This post was a response to a client. I am posting it here in case others can benefit!
My sister and I have a history of arguing as well. The funny thing is, the NVC conflict resolution approach works the same with adults as it does with children: both of you have a need, and the needs are what is in conflict (rather than you two, as people, being in conflict. Big difference!!) It is nothing personal -- it is simply two people trying to get their needs met! Figure out the needs, and you can usually resolve the conflict.
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I Didn't Want a Marshmallow
Parents often have a hard time with children who "think they're the boss." The irony is, that none of us want a marshmallow, a follower; and most of us want a happy, self-satisfied, confident child! (...a leader, perhaps?) So maybe it is as easy as shifting our thinking! We can embrace it as AWESOME that our child knows what s/he wants! This is the type of child who will probably not follow the pack like a lemming out to sea! What our child needs is help learning ways to get those needs met; ways that don't conflict with another's ability to get their needs met! It is as simple as that!
Even before I was lucky enough to become pregnant with my son, I knew I didn't want to have a marshmallow. I wanted a child like myself: someone who knows what they want, and also what they don't want. Someone who will grab life by its tail and make things happen for himself. Someone who is not afraid to be themselves, stand up for themselves, even in the face of peer pressure (and fear of abandonment). In a word: someone who mainstream thinkers might call stubborn. Or, someone who will make their own way in life. Not just someone who would 'march to a different drummer,' but someone who would CREATE the drum they will march to.
And when I realized that, I also knew it would not be easy. Motherhood was going to make me stretch, I was sure. It was going to make me really question why I have the limits I have, and why I don't have others that might serve me if I did.
For example, I have a fetish for clean, uncluttered floors. This drives me to survey my son's room with dis-ease whenever he has been playing with gusto, elbow-deep in legos, cars, and plastic rescue men....
"Kian, please don't leave all of your toys around your room."
`
"Linda, it's my room, right?"
"Right."
"I don't mind if the toys are all over my floor. And since it's my room, then that should be enough, right?"
"Well....Yes, Kian. you're right."
This as an example of my personal needs conflicting with someone's else's needs. If I impose my will here, then his need for freedom to control his belongings becomes encroached upon, and the lesson he learns is how to become a bully -- that if you are larger, then you can boss people around.
It is either his room or it isn't. I have been calling it his room since he was born, so in keeping with that I also want to follow through and allow him to make certain decisions about it. So my limit shifted. We made a mutual agreement. I keep the door closed, and I am not willing to deliver his clothing to his dresser if I cannot walk across his room. In turn, when the floor becomes too cluttered to move about easily, he cleans it up cheerfully, willingly, and voluntarily.
The other day, when a random adult picked Kian up without warning or permission, Kian was confident enough to say: "Put me down." He did not yell it, and he was not upset. When the adult returned him to the ground, Kian said "Don't ever pick me up again without asking. I don't like that. I wouldn't do that to you, so it's not OK to do it to me." He stated his needs calmly and clearly, and with confidence. I love that.
I am learning a lot as the parent of a "stubborn" child. There is a big difference between me as a child, and my child. While I was never confident enough to express myself freely, my son has no problem expressing himself and asking for the things he believes he needs. And he is extremely respectful of himself and his own belongings, as well as other people and their belongings. He is respectful because he is being raised with respect. He has empathy, because he is being raised with empathy.
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Even before I was lucky enough to become pregnant with my son, I knew I didn't want to have a marshmallow. I wanted a child like myself: someone who knows what they want, and also what they don't want. Someone who will grab life by its tail and make things happen for himself. Someone who is not afraid to be themselves, stand up for themselves, even in the face of peer pressure (and fear of abandonment). In a word: someone who mainstream thinkers might call stubborn. Or, someone who will make their own way in life. Not just someone who would 'march to a different drummer,' but someone who would CREATE the drum they will march to.
And when I realized that, I also knew it would not be easy. Motherhood was going to make me stretch, I was sure. It was going to make me really question why I have the limits I have, and why I don't have others that might serve me if I did.
For example, I have a fetish for clean, uncluttered floors. This drives me to survey my son's room with dis-ease whenever he has been playing with gusto, elbow-deep in legos, cars, and plastic rescue men....
"Kian, please don't leave all of your toys around your room."
`
"Linda, it's my room, right?"
"Right."
"I don't mind if the toys are all over my floor. And since it's my room, then that should be enough, right?"
"Well....Yes, Kian. you're right."
This as an example of my personal needs conflicting with someone's else's needs. If I impose my will here, then his need for freedom to control his belongings becomes encroached upon, and the lesson he learns is how to become a bully -- that if you are larger, then you can boss people around.
It is either his room or it isn't. I have been calling it his room since he was born, so in keeping with that I also want to follow through and allow him to make certain decisions about it. So my limit shifted. We made a mutual agreement. I keep the door closed, and I am not willing to deliver his clothing to his dresser if I cannot walk across his room. In turn, when the floor becomes too cluttered to move about easily, he cleans it up cheerfully, willingly, and voluntarily.
The other day, when a random adult picked Kian up without warning or permission, Kian was confident enough to say: "Put me down." He did not yell it, and he was not upset. When the adult returned him to the ground, Kian said "Don't ever pick me up again without asking. I don't like that. I wouldn't do that to you, so it's not OK to do it to me." He stated his needs calmly and clearly, and with confidence. I love that.
I am learning a lot as the parent of a "stubborn" child. There is a big difference between me as a child, and my child. While I was never confident enough to express myself freely, my son has no problem expressing himself and asking for the things he believes he needs. And he is extremely respectful of himself and his own belongings, as well as other people and their belongings. He is respectful because he is being raised with respect. He has empathy, because he is being raised with empathy.
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Friday, May 15, 2009
On Biting....
(This is from a response written to a mother's quest for advice on her 2 year old's need to bite.)
Childhood can be a stressful thing, not just for parents, but for the child also. The littlest things can stress a child out. Even picking a child up without warning can cause a child to internalize stress. And if your household is going through any changes, your daughter could be picking up on the energy. Or it could be something else. Whatever it is, biting is her way of releasing that energy. Redirect it. Create a biting basket filled with things he CAN bite (a plush toy, a rubber chew toy, biscuits, etc.) Then, after you have told her firmly but with love that it is not ok to bite mommy, because that hurts, REDIRECT her to the biting basket and ENCOURAGE HER TO BITE THOSE ITEMS!!!
"Your Two Year Old" is a great book that will give you the ages and stages and what to expect. It is so important to have age-appropriate responses to our children. (Impulse control, which is governed by the prefrontal cortex, is not fully developed until 27 years of age, actually, and NOT 3, by the way! so hang onto your panties!!!)
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Childhood can be a stressful thing, not just for parents, but for the child also. The littlest things can stress a child out. Even picking a child up without warning can cause a child to internalize stress. And if your household is going through any changes, your daughter could be picking up on the energy. Or it could be something else. Whatever it is, biting is her way of releasing that energy. Redirect it. Create a biting basket filled with things he CAN bite (a plush toy, a rubber chew toy, biscuits, etc.) Then, after you have told her firmly but with love that it is not ok to bite mommy, because that hurts, REDIRECT her to the biting basket and ENCOURAGE HER TO BITE THOSE ITEMS!!!
"Your Two Year Old" is a great book that will give you the ages and stages and what to expect. It is so important to have age-appropriate responses to our children. (Impulse control, which is governed by the prefrontal cortex, is not fully developed until 27 years of age, actually, and NOT 3, by the way! so hang onto your panties!!!)
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Friday, April 24, 2009
Why Be Your Own Worst Critic...??
(This is from a personal note to someone, and I wanted to share it here with you, as well, since it could apply to so many.)
Just remember, if it resonates, then it is simply the mirror -- it is alive in you, too.
If you're like me, you are often your own worst critic. And there is no badge of honor in that, even though we have been brought up to believe it is so.
You deserve the same loving, non-judgemental "break" you are wanting your child to be given. So go ahead and give yourself one! It can only start with us, since we are their primary teachers. Let's ease up a little, and show them how it's done. Let's give ourselves some validation. We deserve it!
If you are reading this, you are among the top 10% of people in the world who are in some stage of waking up. You are a special person, and a special parent, who has chosen to bring really special children into the world. And you have chosen a harder path to take in raising them. This way is much more difficult and less "efficient" than the mainstream way which uses punishment and rewards as a way to control behavior. And it will pay off both in your own relationship with your children, and also in your gift to the world, because you will have helped create a really great human being.
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Just remember, if it resonates, then it is simply the mirror -- it is alive in you, too.
If you're like me, you are often your own worst critic. And there is no badge of honor in that, even though we have been brought up to believe it is so.
You deserve the same loving, non-judgemental "break" you are wanting your child to be given. So go ahead and give yourself one! It can only start with us, since we are their primary teachers. Let's ease up a little, and show them how it's done. Let's give ourselves some validation. We deserve it!
If you are reading this, you are among the top 10% of people in the world who are in some stage of waking up. You are a special person, and a special parent, who has chosen to bring really special children into the world. And you have chosen a harder path to take in raising them. This way is much more difficult and less "efficient" than the mainstream way which uses punishment and rewards as a way to control behavior. And it will pay off both in your own relationship with your children, and also in your gift to the world, because you will have helped create a really great human being.
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Listening: How Our Children are Our Teachers
I have been putting my attention on listening lately.
I was thinking about a conflict the other day that involved my son and myself. I realized that 'conflict resolution,' per se, doesn't truly exist when the conflict is between the two of us. And that is because I have an agenda. You see, I think I know the better way, the better tactic, the "truth," and even before I let my son explain his thoughts and intentions, I am already formulating my response. I am already figuring out how to convey my views and my Wisdom so that he will 'get it' and then he will magically become a better person. So I go through the motions of listening to why he did such and such, but I am not really taking it in. I am not really considering it. I have hopped onto my mental 'habitrail' again, and disengaged from what is actually happening in the moment.
Which means I am actually NOT LISTENING at all! And when I realized I have been doing this, I was astonished. I thought I was exemplar at listening to my son's needs!
When I saw that I haven't been listening, I had to admit that I have also been assuming quite a bit. Ouch. Assuming can be dangerous. Assumptions can mean we're idling in neutral. Ouch again.
So, I had to admit that when I am in a conflict with my son, instead of really listening to him explain his thoughts and motives for "miss" behaving, I am really waiting for him to finish explaining so I can then lead him to my conclusion. (That I have a need for him to refrain from screaming, because screaming hurts my ears, for example.)
Wow. Really NOT LISTENING... to his needs.
So the good thing is that I realized I am missing a major benefit of conflicts when I do this: the opportunity to connect on a deeper level. Every conflict is another opportunity to strengthen our connection with people (our children included.) I would even go so far as to say that conflicts are the whole point of human life. Conflicts are where all of us really get to stretch as people. And if we ignore the part where we get to listen empathically -- where we get to really put ourselves into someone else's shoes -- then we are missing out on the part of life where we create connections with other people. Because it is during conflicts that the profound exchanges happen between people, and that is when we all get to define ourselves, and stretch and grow and come to really know and enjoy each other.
None of this is to say that we don't still convey our feelings about things, or our limits and boundaries. It just means that we get more chances to REfine and DEfine what those feelings are. They don't have to become dusty old rote responses in our mental attics!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
I was thinking about a conflict the other day that involved my son and myself. I realized that 'conflict resolution,' per se, doesn't truly exist when the conflict is between the two of us. And that is because I have an agenda. You see, I think I know the better way, the better tactic, the "truth," and even before I let my son explain his thoughts and intentions, I am already formulating my response. I am already figuring out how to convey my views and my Wisdom so that he will 'get it' and then he will magically become a better person. So I go through the motions of listening to why he did such and such, but I am not really taking it in. I am not really considering it. I have hopped onto my mental 'habitrail' again, and disengaged from what is actually happening in the moment.
Which means I am actually NOT LISTENING at all! And when I realized I have been doing this, I was astonished. I thought I was exemplar at listening to my son's needs!
When I saw that I haven't been listening, I had to admit that I have also been assuming quite a bit. Ouch. Assuming can be dangerous. Assumptions can mean we're idling in neutral. Ouch again.
So, I had to admit that when I am in a conflict with my son, instead of really listening to him explain his thoughts and motives for "miss" behaving, I am really waiting for him to finish explaining so I can then lead him to my conclusion. (That I have a need for him to refrain from screaming, because screaming hurts my ears, for example.)
Wow. Really NOT LISTENING... to his needs.
So the good thing is that I realized I am missing a major benefit of conflicts when I do this: the opportunity to connect on a deeper level. Every conflict is another opportunity to strengthen our connection with people (our children included.) I would even go so far as to say that conflicts are the whole point of human life. Conflicts are where all of us really get to stretch as people. And if we ignore the part where we get to listen empathically -- where we get to really put ourselves into someone else's shoes -- then we are missing out on the part of life where we create connections with other people. Because it is during conflicts that the profound exchanges happen between people, and that is when we all get to define ourselves, and stretch and grow and come to really know and enjoy each other.
None of this is to say that we don't still convey our feelings about things, or our limits and boundaries. It just means that we get more chances to REfine and DEfine what those feelings are. They don't have to become dusty old rote responses in our mental attics!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
"miss" behavior, not "misbehavior"
Every misbehavior is a symptom of a need that is unmet, or "missed."
In the words of Ruth Beaglehole, CNVEP, "Every behavior is a tragic attempt to meet an unmet need... tragic because the behavior in question will NOT result in the need being met."
It is our challenge, every time our child "miss" behaves, to determine what that unmet need is, and then help them to find a behavior that meets that need, rather than misses it!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
In the words of Ruth Beaglehole, CNVEP, "Every behavior is a tragic attempt to meet an unmet need... tragic because the behavior in question will NOT result in the need being met."
It is our challenge, every time our child "miss" behaves, to determine what that unmet need is, and then help them to find a behavior that meets that need, rather than misses it!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What do Birds Know that We Don't?
As parents, we often want to save our child from every pain that comes by. We would gladly feel the pain ourselves rather than see our child struggle with it. (And without getting into it too deeply, this is probably because the crying or pain or struggle brings up things within ourselves that are unexamined or unresolved.)
For example, we naturally jiggle a child in our arms and against our hips to distract them from their crying. But what does it accomplish? Are we stopping them from crying for their benefit, or for ours?
Just yesterday I just had a wake-up call about my relationship with my 4 year old son. It began as I held another child for 40 minutes while he cried for no reason apparent to me, or to any of the other teachers. There was nothing obvious to "fix," so I did what I could: I simply held him and allowed him to cry. I didn't try to jiggle him out of it. I didn't try to joke with him, or cheer him up, or even reassure him about some fears I could imagine he might be having. I had absolutely no idea why he was crying, so I just let him cry. While he was crying, I periodically checked in with him: "Would you like to call your Mom?"
"No."
"Would you like to call your Dad?"
"No."
"Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"No. I'm sad. Hold me."
His little frame was filled with incredible resolve. I could feel him confidently conquering some big fears. And he obviously knew that he had the strength to do it on his own.
At one point I looked him in his teary eyes and said matter-of-factly "You're doing great." He nodded, and kept right on crying. During his process he was clearly reaching down inside and pulling out resources he had previously not yet discovered he possessed.
After about 20 minutes more he sobbed his final sob, and looked up. Something had caught his eye brightly enough to propel him out of my lap for some investigation. He quickly immersed himself in a starch and truck "snow" plan for 10 progressively sunny minutes while I sat nearby on the grass and watched invisibly. Suddenly he looked up, and said "Hey Linda, guess what?!"
"What, Joey?"
"I'm not sad anymore!"
His face was bright and triumphant. He had overcome something on his own, and in the process had developed another tool for his emotional tool chest... he had gained a skill that will carry him through life and allow him to stand on his own feet!
It hurts us so deeply to see our child in pain, in hardship. And it hurts our child even more when we shield him from that pain. It prevents him from filling his emotional toolchest!
Birds know this too: They must peck their way out of their own shell in order to survive in the world. In the process of pecking their way out, their cardiovascular system develops and strengthens enough to allow them to live outside of the shell that protected them pre-birth. And if they are helped out of the shell; if their mother were to remove some of the shell for them, they would not be capable of surviving outside of it.
It is all unfolding perfectly, and our children are more capable for having faced their own difficulties, with us standing by them, and allowing them to have their own process, and their own feelings and emotions.
Yes, yesterday was YET another wake up call for me, and it hurts a little. I have many children in my care, but my own son is 4 and a half. I know that I have not allowed him to cry in the way I allowed my little friend to cry yesterday. Sometimes I was too triggered by the crying, sometimes too tired, and other times too preoccupied to really hold him and let him cry at length. Maybe part of it was him: he doesn't seem to like to be held when he cries. But for whatever reason, I know I have not always been as present with my son as I was with Joey yesterday. And I am so glad that I am able to wake up now, before it is "too late."
Here's to Being Awake!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
For example, we naturally jiggle a child in our arms and against our hips to distract them from their crying. But what does it accomplish? Are we stopping them from crying for their benefit, or for ours?
Just yesterday I just had a wake-up call about my relationship with my 4 year old son. It began as I held another child for 40 minutes while he cried for no reason apparent to me, or to any of the other teachers. There was nothing obvious to "fix," so I did what I could: I simply held him and allowed him to cry. I didn't try to jiggle him out of it. I didn't try to joke with him, or cheer him up, or even reassure him about some fears I could imagine he might be having. I had absolutely no idea why he was crying, so I just let him cry. While he was crying, I periodically checked in with him: "Would you like to call your Mom?"
"No."
"Would you like to call your Dad?"
"No."
"Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"No. I'm sad. Hold me."
His little frame was filled with incredible resolve. I could feel him confidently conquering some big fears. And he obviously knew that he had the strength to do it on his own.
At one point I looked him in his teary eyes and said matter-of-factly "You're doing great." He nodded, and kept right on crying. During his process he was clearly reaching down inside and pulling out resources he had previously not yet discovered he possessed.
After about 20 minutes more he sobbed his final sob, and looked up. Something had caught his eye brightly enough to propel him out of my lap for some investigation. He quickly immersed himself in a starch and truck "snow" plan for 10 progressively sunny minutes while I sat nearby on the grass and watched invisibly. Suddenly he looked up, and said "Hey Linda, guess what?!"
"What, Joey?"
"I'm not sad anymore!"
His face was bright and triumphant. He had overcome something on his own, and in the process had developed another tool for his emotional tool chest... he had gained a skill that will carry him through life and allow him to stand on his own feet!
It hurts us so deeply to see our child in pain, in hardship. And it hurts our child even more when we shield him from that pain. It prevents him from filling his emotional toolchest!
Birds know this too: They must peck their way out of their own shell in order to survive in the world. In the process of pecking their way out, their cardiovascular system develops and strengthens enough to allow them to live outside of the shell that protected them pre-birth. And if they are helped out of the shell; if their mother were to remove some of the shell for them, they would not be capable of surviving outside of it.
It is all unfolding perfectly, and our children are more capable for having faced their own difficulties, with us standing by them, and allowing them to have their own process, and their own feelings and emotions.
Yes, yesterday was YET another wake up call for me, and it hurts a little. I have many children in my care, but my own son is 4 and a half. I know that I have not allowed him to cry in the way I allowed my little friend to cry yesterday. Sometimes I was too triggered by the crying, sometimes too tired, and other times too preoccupied to really hold him and let him cry at length. Maybe part of it was him: he doesn't seem to like to be held when he cries. But for whatever reason, I know I have not always been as present with my son as I was with Joey yesterday. And I am so glad that I am able to wake up now, before it is "too late."
Here's to Being Awake!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
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