We want the best for our children. As parents, we want them to develop relationships and form connections with others. We want our children to come down from their egocentric mountain and join society as productive, empathetic citizens, (and with their own unique gifts intact.) That's why we often worry so much about behavior.
I often hear parents say that they need to "model" a certain behavior. I then see them "act out" the behavior they want to see replicated, and then prod their child to duplicate it. Or I see them direct their child to behave a certain way "Say hello!" "Say goodbye!" "Say thank you!" What this does is teach your child to disengage from their own inner compass, and instead focus on YOU for their cues. You become their compass. So the question then becomes, at what point are they expected to wean themselves from you and begin to develop their own compass, and collect their cues organically from the world around them?
Why not, instead, take a step back, and make them reach for the information -- like baby birds stretching their necks for a worm. No fear, moms and dads... they WILL reach for your information! Children are HUNGRY for information, and soak up whatever they can. And children naturally want to please their parents, so they will emulate whatever we do. (Hey, guess what? We finally got our wish! We have become queen and king of the mountain!)
Just as children are learning all the time (as John Holt writes)
parents are teaching all the time. We are always mentoring, whether we are conscious of it or not.
Why would anyone want to model, when you can mentor, and BE authentic?
It's like magic, and so simple: we simply have to "BE what we want our children to become!" (Joseph Chilton Pearce)
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Taking a Step Back
We all know that our children are not reflections of us, but every once in a while we get tricked into that lie again! It sneaks in, and we spring into RE-action, rather than mindful response. That way of "reactive" thinking is a trap that often leads us to seek approval from the random parents around us. It can throw us into a tizzy of self-judgment: Oh my gosh my child is screaming (at me)! What is that father/store clerk/woman thinking about us/me?! Instead of, "Oh my gosh my child is screaming... what does my child need that I can give him?" The irony is that those random parents who we are trying to please in that hot moment of crisis don't actually matter to us as much as our children do, nor are they even in line with our own core values!
That self-judgment is probably the most difficult thing to overcome in being parent. It seems we are never enough: we never do enough for our children, we don't do it well enough, we don't love them enough, we aren't patient enough with them, we aren't energetic enough for them, we aren't sweet enough for them. The JUDGE inside us tells us in so many ways how we simply aren't enough for our children.
Perhaps the most important thing about being a parent is to know that we are mentoring all of the time. As Joseph Chilton Pearce says, "We must be the person who we want our child to become." So if we want our child to love themselves as they deserve to be loved, and to respect themselves with the respect they deserve, and to be OK with being "less than perfect," then we have to offer that same regard to ourselves first. Ease up on yourself when you are less than "perfect." (What is, IS perfect, because it IS!)
You have all of the answers your family needs. When in doubt, tune into your your inner compass. You are the guiding light of the house; "mother (father) knows best." Your child chose you for the answers you have for her. Your child chose you for the parent you are right now -- not some perfect parent you will become someday. So the great news is that you get to relax and trust yourself! You ARE enough!
Our children are here to teach us as much as we are here to provide guidance to them. Who else in your life has the ability to take you deep within yourself on a journey of self-discovery and re-ignite that fire within?
Parenting from balance is as simple as taking a step back, and responding to life. How refreshing and so much easier it is to relax into your own family groove, than to keep a stiff upper lip and stay in that grueling race with the Jones'es!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
That self-judgment is probably the most difficult thing to overcome in being parent. It seems we are never enough: we never do enough for our children, we don't do it well enough, we don't love them enough, we aren't patient enough with them, we aren't energetic enough for them, we aren't sweet enough for them. The JUDGE inside us tells us in so many ways how we simply aren't enough for our children.
Perhaps the most important thing about being a parent is to know that we are mentoring all of the time. As Joseph Chilton Pearce says, "We must be the person who we want our child to become." So if we want our child to love themselves as they deserve to be loved, and to respect themselves with the respect they deserve, and to be OK with being "less than perfect," then we have to offer that same regard to ourselves first. Ease up on yourself when you are less than "perfect." (What is, IS perfect, because it IS!)
You have all of the answers your family needs. When in doubt, tune into your your inner compass. You are the guiding light of the house; "mother (father) knows best." Your child chose you for the answers you have for her. Your child chose you for the parent you are right now -- not some perfect parent you will become someday. So the great news is that you get to relax and trust yourself! You ARE enough!
Our children are here to teach us as much as we are here to provide guidance to them. Who else in your life has the ability to take you deep within yourself on a journey of self-discovery and re-ignite that fire within?
Parenting from balance is as simple as taking a step back, and responding to life. How refreshing and so much easier it is to relax into your own family groove, than to keep a stiff upper lip and stay in that grueling race with the Jones'es!
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
Sunday, March 15, 2009
"People are people no matter how small"
"People are people no matter how small" is as close to a school motto as we have at Riviera PlaySchool; and it's fitting that it is quoted from Dr. Seuss's character Horton.
The cornerstone of our program is Non-Violence. Ghandi and Krishnamurti both base their work upon this, as do many western advocates including Marshall Rosenberg, Martin Luther King, Ruth Beaglehole, Naomi Aldort, Joseph Chilton Pearce, Bev Bos, Alfie Kohn, and many others. Like many of these incredible icons, Riviera PlaySchool takes Non Violence beyond the verbal. A Non-Violent milieu is one in which the environment is not limited or limiting. In a truly Non Violent environment, children are never cajoled into joining an activity; they are never shamed into compliance ("come on... everyone else is doing it... everyone is waiting for you!") Most importantly, in a non-violent environment, children are helped, very patiently, toward resolving their own conflicts. Children raised in a Non Violent environment become intrinsically motivated adults who succeed because it feels good to do so, and treat others with respect and kindness because they want to, not because they fear reprisal if they fail to do so.
Like the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting, Riviera PlaySchool does not use the word nonviolent in reaction to violence but "as a word that honors the connection with a child that respects the core dignity of the child as a full and complete human being. Therefore, the right relationship to have with a child is one that is built on respect and kindness towards the core feelings and needs of the child. Nonviolence honors and respects the value, dignity and life force of the child."
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
The cornerstone of our program is Non-Violence. Ghandi and Krishnamurti both base their work upon this, as do many western advocates including Marshall Rosenberg, Martin Luther King, Ruth Beaglehole, Naomi Aldort, Joseph Chilton Pearce, Bev Bos, Alfie Kohn, and many others. Like many of these incredible icons, Riviera PlaySchool takes Non Violence beyond the verbal. A Non-Violent milieu is one in which the environment is not limited or limiting. In a truly Non Violent environment, children are never cajoled into joining an activity; they are never shamed into compliance ("come on... everyone else is doing it... everyone is waiting for you!") Most importantly, in a non-violent environment, children are helped, very patiently, toward resolving their own conflicts. Children raised in a Non Violent environment become intrinsically motivated adults who succeed because it feels good to do so, and treat others with respect and kindness because they want to, not because they fear reprisal if they fail to do so.
Like the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting, Riviera PlaySchool does not use the word nonviolent in reaction to violence but "as a word that honors the connection with a child that respects the core dignity of the child as a full and complete human being. Therefore, the right relationship to have with a child is one that is built on respect and kindness towards the core feelings and needs of the child. Nonviolence honors and respects the value, dignity and life force of the child."
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
a note about consistency
Hello Parents,
I have been thinking about this lately, and wanted to share with you my thoughts. Society tells us that parents need to be CONSISTENT in order to be effective and responsible. If we aren't consistent, then we will send a message to our child that they can "get away with it," and then all hell will break loose! We will have a child who is out of control; a monster, who manipulates everything to their own end.
This need to be "consistent" is a fear-based reaction. We all know that life changes from moment to moment. What is absolutely not "ok" one moment, is often perfectly fine the next. How artificial to be stuck in a myriad of rules created just to teach a lesson to our child. And if you examine the rules themselves, are they really timeless? Will any of them teach our children something about being a better person in the world?
The only consistency any parent needs is to always connect with their inner self and respond, rather than react, from peace. The next time you need to answer your child, touch base with your inner compass, and then answer. Are you coming from fear, from reaction, from rote response (just because your mother did it that way?) Ask yourself whether one more book, for example, will harm your child, or show him that you really love spending time reading to him. Or will that cookie before dinner really kill her appetite? (Or, by making dessert the final "course" of a meal, are we really just elevating it to a special rank, and creating more allure around it, more "pull" toward it?)
As Scott Noelle says, "Perhaps most important is that Attraction Parenting is an inside-out approach. It doesn't tell parents what to do, but it helps parents connect with their authentic Inner Guidance. When parents feel connected, centered, and grounded, their children tend to move into a similar state of mind, and this leads to greater emotional stability and fewer difficult behaviors. The power of attraction eliminates the "need" for conventional, control-oriented, fear-based parenting. If you've resorted to coercive parenting tactics out of sheer frustration, the practice of Attraction Parenting will restore your faith in human nature. You will come to know with certainty that children are innately good, and their goodness can be fostered joyfully through unconditional love and creative partnership."
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
I have been thinking about this lately, and wanted to share with you my thoughts. Society tells us that parents need to be CONSISTENT in order to be effective and responsible. If we aren't consistent, then we will send a message to our child that they can "get away with it," and then all hell will break loose! We will have a child who is out of control; a monster, who manipulates everything to their own end.
This need to be "consistent" is a fear-based reaction. We all know that life changes from moment to moment. What is absolutely not "ok" one moment, is often perfectly fine the next. How artificial to be stuck in a myriad of rules created just to teach a lesson to our child. And if you examine the rules themselves, are they really timeless? Will any of them teach our children something about being a better person in the world?
The only consistency any parent needs is to always connect with their inner self and respond, rather than react, from peace. The next time you need to answer your child, touch base with your inner compass, and then answer. Are you coming from fear, from reaction, from rote response (just because your mother did it that way?) Ask yourself whether one more book, for example, will harm your child, or show him that you really love spending time reading to him. Or will that cookie before dinner really kill her appetite? (Or, by making dessert the final "course" of a meal, are we really just elevating it to a special rank, and creating more allure around it, more "pull" toward it?)
As Scott Noelle says, "Perhaps most important is that Attraction Parenting is an inside-out approach. It doesn't tell parents what to do, but it helps parents connect with their authentic Inner Guidance. When parents feel connected, centered, and grounded, their children tend to move into a similar state of mind, and this leads to greater emotional stability and fewer difficult behaviors. The power of attraction eliminates the "need" for conventional, control-oriented, fear-based parenting. If you've resorted to coercive parenting tactics out of sheer frustration, the practice of Attraction Parenting will restore your faith in human nature. You will come to know with certainty that children are innately good, and their goodness can be fostered joyfully through unconditional love and creative partnership."
Lots of Love,
Linda Shannon
Riviera PlaySchool, a Redondo Beach preschool for attachment parents
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
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